Tourists. You can always spot them a mile away with their little eager faces, cameras slung over their shoulders, their fanny packs snuggly cinched just over their hips and orthopedic walking shoes strapped on their feet. Even if you can find a less stereotypical, fashionable tourist trying to blend in with the crowd, you can still spot them by the "user-friendly" map of the city clutched in their hand. I for one celebrate tourism in Beantown. It gets new blood into the city, it helps more people realize how much better Boston is than NY--and if nothing else, it supports the city's economy. Nevertheless, while tourists flock to Quincy Market armed with enough money to purchase all available pieces of useless crap that says "BOSTON" all over it that no one else wants (including BC & Harvard T shirts, ugh), they do not come equipped with even a shred of common sense.
First of all, why is it that every tourist that comes to Boston feels the need to start the day circa 6 a.m.? Who does that? You're on vacation for crying out loud--the sun is barely even up yet and you’re already hitting the streets. The bums are all still on their benches in the Common and there are people out snapping pictures of them. Really? Are you going to put that up on Shutterfly and print it out later? I doubt it. First of all, that's obnoxious. Do you want a flash going off if your eyes while you're trying to get up. Second of all, do you think any of your friends want to look at your online photo albums of your vacations? Most likely not and even if they do, they do not want to look at someone sleeping on a park bench or the other hundreds of useless "creative" pictures you'll take of buildings, signposts and yourself holding the camera.
The other brilliant part about being up that early is that it directly coincides with when a majority of the city is trying to get to work. So now not only do I have to deal with the usual breed of idiots that don't know how to walk at an acceptable pace or that stop for no reason in the middle of the stairwell , but I also have tourists asking me for directions to the buildings they are standing in front of. I really need that first thing in the morning--wait, no I don't. The only reason to get up early on vacation is when you’re staying at the beach, because the earlier you get up, the earlier you can start drinking and the better the chance that you pass out in the sun when it’s at it's most dangerous. That way you catch rays without even trying. Brilliant. Getting up early to trudge around the city? Not brilliant.
I would like to give all people visiting my city a little tutorial before they starting trying to explore on their own. I will not even address driving in the city--I don't have that much free time. For starters, it’s important to know that sidewalks operate the same way as roads. And wouldn't you know, it’s the same way the roads operate in every other state in America—you drive on the right! Oddly, when you are on the sidewalk or going up stairs you act the same way. And for those who maybe would like a little guidance, conveniently there is a great big red line running through most of the sidewalks of the city—maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s the Freedom Trail. You have likely spent the entire day looking for it and you've been standing on some portion of it all day long. Imagine that. And even if you don't want to follow the trail, it makes it alarmingly easy to keep to your respective side of the sidewalk no matter where you’re going. And while we're on the topic, I would also like to spread this message to New York. As much as New Yorkers like to talk about that grid system, it's not worth shit if people don’t know how to walk on the sidewalk. You can't get anywhere without 90 people running at you. It sucks.
I would also like to inform tourists not to congregate around a T station while they plan their daily adventure. I know it might seem convenient to hang out in the doorway where thousands of commuters are about to come bombing up the stairs en route to a job they probably hate, but strangely, it’s not. It’s also not a great spot to stop and take a picture, unless you’d like a snapshot of me dumping my coffee out over your head just before it happens. No, that’s not even true. I’d never waste my coffee on something like that. I wouldn’t put it past myself to smack someone with my work bag though given that I know there’s nothing important in there.
It’s okay to stop and enjoy the city. Just don’t do it while I’m commuting because then you become a giant pain in the ass and people want to stone you rather than stop and give you directions.
