Extreme Life Makeover

On the cusp of turning 25 I have realized in just the last week that I am not the person I thought I was or would be at this age in all aspects of my life--professionally, personally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. All that in such a short week. You could say that I'm either really in tune with my inner self or completely on the brink of a personal breakdown. I like to think it's a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B. It's funny how people feel about quarter life crises. Undoubtedly there are plenty of people that fully believe in the concept (I'm pretty sure my sister was given a book about it on her 25th birthday so there are people that make their fortunes from the idea) and there are those who think its simply an excuse to throw a fit and hide from their real feelings. The way I see it, I'm stumbling upon all kinds of realities about myself and it just happens to coincide with turning 25. It's perfectly viable, isn't? Okay fine. It's a self-induced quarter life crisis. I'm terrified at getting older and scrutinizing every aspect of my life as a result. You win. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I want to jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge embankment!

Kidding. That's a line from Tommy Boy. I highly recommend watching it. Brilliant film.

But really, let's call a spade a spade. As I sit here right now, I have a negative dollar amount in my checking account (I get paid at midnight though in my own defense). I live on a borrowed income and I don't take responsibility for all of my own bills yet. That's pathetic. Additionally, I question my career path more and more as the Commonwealth's economy continues to circle the drain. The sliver of a chance I have of getting a job continues to get more and more bleak as the days go on. So I have that going for me. And have I mentioned yet my personal struggle with trying to figure out why I suffocate my feelings with sarcasm and rage? I mean, I created a blog that is almost completely dedicated to my inability to cope with life's most basic obstacles (like getting to work). Sidenote: WTF the Red Sox are going to gift wrap this series to Tampa Bay! 2nd at bat and the Rays just got an effing homerun. Okay so I think I also might suffer from ADD--I'm looking into it.

Anyway, when did things get to this point?

My situation isn't really a "crisis" though. That sounds so Lifetime movie and also makes me feel even older. And plus, I feel like this happens to me pretty regularly so it actually doesn't have much to do with turning 25. If I had to equate this situation to anything, I'd have to say that it's very much Clueless. While I'm not going to give away all my personal belongings to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief effort (which I'll have you know was a fictitious event according to Wikipedia) I do feel, like Cher, that I need make over my soul. Or at least change a few things in my life.

1. I am in desperate need of endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don't have quarter life crises. They just don't. I need to get my chubby ass out running and then maybe I could get some sleep at night and won't have these multiple personality episodes. I'm starting to feel like Britney Spears. Remember when she turned British for like a week? What was that all about? I'll tell you what--all those lattes. Too much Starbucks and not enough cardio. I am suffering the same plight (though my vice as of late is beer, not frozen coffee beverages). I give her kudos though, has anyone seen her new video for Womanizer? She's smokin' hot in it and the video has a real concept and everything. Maybe I could be B. Spears for Halloween... but which one?

2. I need to start managing my finances and stop spending my money in all of the following places:
a. Dunkin Donuts
b. [Insert names of all Boston Bars here].
c. The Loft (Ann Taylor's not the salon--I'm not sacrificing my
highlights in the name of sound mental health, that's insane.)
d. Rite Aid
e. [Insert names of all Boston Restaurants here].

I watched Oprah the other day with my mother and apparently this woman Suze Orman has staked her fortune on writing books about other people's financial misfortunes. She's completely demonic. She spent the full hour ripping apart people's hopes and dreams of buying houses and adopting children. She did make a few good points though, but really they were more common sense than anything so I don't really want to give her credit. How do you give people money advice while you're sitting on a pedestal built with money people spent on your books when they probably couldn't afford to buy them! I really should email Oprah to get rid of that Suze segment. It's more than a little condescending for Oprah to sit there and give people money advice when the woman could solve the country's $700 million financial crisis with her personal fortune.

3. I need to surround myself with bright, happy and charming people. And if I can't find anyone matching that description then I'll just resort to my friends. That's a joke. I happen to have amazing friends, but half the time I spend with them I'm blacked out and being irresponsible and that's not exactly QT. Really though, think of the last time you've made plans to catch up with someone. What did you do? I'm guessing you went out to get dinner and drinks. There has to be more to Boston than that.

So, there's the solution: exercise, starvation, sobriety and the people you love. I think maybe I should write a book. Then I could smugly chastise people less successful than me like Suze. All I have to do is come up with my book title, cover art and a steep price and I am all set.