True Life: I drink like I'm still in college

This might seem to be a fairly harmless affliction, but drinking like you are still enrolled in college has very serious consequences that will leave in you in a world of hurt. Saturday night was a very good learning experience which I must share with others to prohibit other individuals from shaming themselves into thinking they can still drink like they're still in college. Take it from me--you cannot. Any effort to do so will inevitably result in a shame spiral the following day. In my case, I couldn't handle my liquor while I was IN college so why I would continue to try is completely beyond me. That's an issue for my future therapist though.

The first sign that you suffer from drinking like you're still in college is that you have an enabler. For me, that comes in the form of a dear friend that I shall refer to as "PIT." She's pretty phenomenal, but watch out if she ever gets those training wheels off. For me, the two of us together is a fatal mix of sarcasm and vodka, with a splash of no self control. This is a recipe for complete and utter disaster, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that it's pretty hilarious in the moment. I told her recently she should write a book and her response went something like this--

PIT: "What would I write? Almost all of the pages would be blank because I black out and can't remember what happened."

Also, she and I have been kicked out of Fenway Park. To be more specific, we were booed out of the bleachers. True story.

It's amazing what things alcohol will turn into "good ideas." For instance, it is never a good idea to dare your friend to duck under a bar and start serving drinks once the bartender has left his post, but nevertheless there is photographic evidence of PIT half under the bar en route to make me a cocktail or two. Oops. For whatever the reason I fail to realize at the moment that such a move would without question get us kicked out of the bar, for a minimum of that night if not for the rest of our adult lives. Thankfully she didn't follow through, but just posed long enough for the picture. Now we can both go back and repeat our same mistakes next month when we're no longer "grounded" from hanging out with one another.

It's also not a good sign when you and your friend get drunker than the person hosting the party. Normally that rule wouldn't necessarily make sense but in this case, the host had run 26.2 miles that morning and there was great potential of his unwittingly capitalizing on his dehydration with only a minimal number of drinks. Was he the one doing shots at the bar though? Nope, that would be PIT and me.

If someone at the bar is wearing a winter hat it's also not a good idea to put on the hat and let people take pictures of you. You will look like you have an extra chromosome and everyone that is not as drunk as you are will know enough to take pictures that they can then blackmail you with later. PIT is no exception. Even at her worst she still knows a good facebook blackmail picture when she sees one. That bitch.

The final moral of this story is that even when you're safely located in a cab on your way home, you're not safe from damaging decisions. For instance, the decision to not sit all the way back in your seat while in a cab can be a painful one when one drinks like one is still in college. The cab that PIT and I found ourselves in after several hours of collegial drinking was driven by a cabbie with a lead foot. Typically this is associated with driving too quickly. This driver took that expression to the other end of the spectrum, however, and was a little heavy with the brake. In a scene directly out of Old School, this cab driver slammed on the break causing PIT and me to crash directly into the plastic partition dividing the driver from the passengers. If I had to wager a guess, I would say that when the cab fogs up at any point in the next few months, you'll still be able to make out our profiles in the plastic. It is also worth mentioning that rather than formally reprimand the driver, PIT screamed out "PRECIOUS CARGO!"

I would write more, but most every other portion of the night is lost in a brown out. I think its in poor taste to say that one is "blacked out." I prefer to say that I experience a temporary brown out~it's appropriate for those nights when you generally recall the night's events, with a few shades of gray. I'm told that PIT was making floor angels in the kitchen back at the apartment, but I can only remember her double fisting hot dog rolls smothered in peanut butter.

In sum, please don't drink like you're still in college. I'll be 25 in a week and yet I'm still trying to learn this lesson myself. I'm not proud of myself--this blog post is not a tribute to my efforts, but an important warning to those who unwittingly think they can have a night out like they used to in college. Unless your nickname is PIT, in which case you belong in the Hall of Fame for alcohol consumption and poor decision making.